January's parents were heroin addicts. Her father abused her repeatedly until she became a ward of the state of Oregon. She was emancipated at age 18.
January says that when she was younger she created chaos around her because how she only knew how to survive in chaotic environments. However, for the last 8 years she has been working on spiritual healing with a counselor who offered her services for free.
January has a lot of positive energy, and we are grateful for her help.
The rest of this blog is a collection of poems and reflections by January as well as a quote that appealed to her.
Blessings of Suffering.
If allowed to, our suffering can become our greatest gift. To suffer is to peel back the layers of illusion. If given its rightful chance, suffering can open your heart and expand your capacity for compassion and understanding, in return unveiling the true value of human life.
Compelled to use and self abuse
Subconciously controlled by these contrasting moods.
I need something to soothe this pain inflicted by you,
In order to forgive the events I cling to.
Can't distingush the line between what's your's and mine..
Trapped in time and unable to find a sense of peace in my fragmented mind.
This PTSD contained within me
Distorts my ability to see myself clearly.
I'd separate my flesh in strife to be free
From these internal scars that have branded me.
These scars rip open to exude their poison,
this sickness, driven, to destroy my person.
This excessive force explodes with keen reason,
to manipulate your senses and free me from this prison.
This gift of rage you've given to me,
heeds warning for all who engage me mentally.
This sickness rises giving way to the hate
you've implanted in me through your psychotic state.
The venim I spew is the reflection of you,
in the everyday happenings that I cant break through.
The more I try to deny your presence,
The further I fall into this twisted sickness.
Your energy consumes every function of my being,
So that when I look at me, you are all that I am seeing.
You are me.
An aspect of my entirety.
Reflecting an inner portion of me,
Through your being, outwardly.
Judgement is insecurity
A statement of self hostility
To hide inside this impurity
Keeps us from true security.
Compassion and Suffering
Compassion follows lawfully as we open to the experience of suffering. Simply to observe and to open allows us to hear what is natural, harmonious, and appropriate. Instead of closed minds and mechanical reactions, there is open space and inventiveness. There is the helping of living truth.
Between the event to which we feel no personal connection and a tragedy that breaks our hearts, there is a vast range of affliction. In this domain we make our choices: Shall I become involved or not? And if so, how deeply? How much human pain do we let in, and whose?
Because the suffering around us is endless, the choices seem limitless. And these choices are usually made in the midst of a mighty struggle between the head and the heart.