Differentiating Between Mistakes Made By Stressed Out Parents and Genuine Abuse

I met a man who lost his children to a wife who rarely brought the children to court-ordered visitation, so he rarely saw them. He cried as he told me a story. He was a big man, six feet one or so. I don't know what he did, but he only had court-ordered visitation with the children. He never confessed to what happened. What I do know is that children deserve a chance to work out their relationship with a parent, rather than their other parent deciding what is good for them. Since the visitation was supervised, if the father had misbehaved in some way, the visitation supervisor would have ended the visitation. Instead, the supervisor advised the father to go to court to see his children and offered to testify on his behalf. Unfortunately, his children were getting close to 16 years of age, so the father felt it wasn't worth the time, expense, and pain to go to court again. He felt his wife had turned his children against him, and he might not see them even if he won a court case.

What else I know is that the man cried real tears, his head in his hands as I listened to his story.

While children should be protected from abuse, they also deserve a chance to work out their relationships with other family members. A parent who interferes with their children's relationship with a co-parent is not supporting their children properly. Our television and social media, while concerned about sexual and physical abuse of children, are also filled with confrontational communications meant to control other people's thoughts and actions. This is now called coercive control. Unfortunately, it is mostly legal

Maybe some parents who listen to these high-outrage televised programs and social media posts think this is how you treat people with whom you disagree.

I think such behavior is a good way to ruin your interpersonal relationships and teach your children poor relationship skills.

We need to teach children in school, as well as people who are becoming parents or getting married, how to communicate their feelings and concerns in ways that resolve conflicts calmly. We already know how to do this. By now, most people have heard of Nonviolent Communication. Some may have heard of interpersonal effectiveness taught in the mental health therapy called Dialectical Behavior Therapy. A few people may have heard of Compassionate Listening, taught by a peace group called The Compassionate Listening Project. If you want a long-lasting marriage or romantic relationship, or a good relationship with your children or parents, take classes, workshops, or go on retreats to learn these skills.

If you don't have enough money for all that, you can also spend $8.99 to buy my book How to Heal: A Workbook for Survivors by a Survivor, Plus Tips for Documenting Abuse https://www.amazon.com/How-Heal-Workbook-Survivors-Documenting/dp/B0GMQBP8R8 . The book will teach you many of the skills you need to both heal from abuse and have healthier and happier relationships with loved ones, friends, and coworkers.

In the meantime, we really do interact with toxic bosses, coworkers, and family members, including toxic co-parents who may disrupt our relationship with our children.

There are ways to discern the difference between abusive behavior and having a bad moment and temporarily losing control.

1. How much abuse is perpetrated, and how long do abusive words and actions persist?  For example, does a person burst out in anger or sadness, or use abusive words infrequently, or is their behavior chronic and long-term?
2. Does the person behaving and speaking abusively respond to redirection from a therapist and work to change what they are saying and doing, or do they reject therapy?
3. Do they embrace learning new skills, such as listening with compassion and using Nonviolent Communication, and apply these skills in routine, frequent interactions with their former spouse and children?
4. Can a co-parent acknowledge, not once but repeatedly, the concerns, needs, and feelings of their fellow co-parent and children?
5. Does the person attempt to learn self-calming and self-healing skills, such as those taught in Dialectical Behavior Therapy?
6. Do they actually try to change their words and behavior over the long run, or do they only change briefly around the time they have an appointment with a therapist or a court date with a judge?
7. Does a co-parent respect the boundaries of their former spouse and children, or are they constantly blurring boundaries?

Mandating communication by email or a parenting app makes these behaviors observable to third parties. They may also help the person coping with the behavior identify what is hurting them and what not to do.