I was trying to collect signatures for my petition for family mental health to be central in divorce and child custody battles, so I stood by one more courthouse in a small town in rural Eastern Oregon. Several people went in and came out later, and some just came out. One was a man who reminded me of the Bureau of Land Management (BLM) firefighters I worked with when I was a wildlife biology intern, except he had white hair. He wore green work pants that reminded me of the green fire-resistant Nomex pants wildland firefighters wear. I wondered if he had a higher-level, supervisory job related to firefighting because it was the kind of town where you would find a BLM office. He was very kind and signed my petition. Of the majority of the small number of people who came and went through the courthouse door during the hour and a half that I stood there, most said nothing to me. I am non-confrontational. I don't want to have the police called to remove me, so I say nothing unless someone speaks to me.
I just hold my signs that read, "High Conflict Divorce is Child Abuse," "It Should Be Illegal. Focus Laws on Family Mental Health."
Then a tall, well-dressed woman came out of the courthouse.
"What's this all about?" she asked.
So I handed her my clipboard with my petition to read. The petition is in another blog post, but I have copied and pasted it below so you can read it and decide what you think.
After a quick glance at my petition, the woman returned my clipboard to me.
"There is something I disagree with in there, so I am not signing," she said.
I went through so much criticism and blame from my ex-husband that if I don't know what to say, I say nothing and think about the situation before I respond. I try not to react to criticism, implied or direct. However, I was insulted. She had not bothered to tell me what she didn't like. That felt like a power play to me. One of the better ways to react to a power play is to not react at all.
It is also fine to say, "Thank you for sharing your opinion with me."
A third and probably best way to react is to say, "I can't respond to so little information. Can you clarify?"
Just my thoughts. I am sharing because I think people who go through high-conflict divorce and child custody battles experience this kind of game on a regular basis.
What do you think?
The Petition
Before marriage or the birth of the first child, and again during separation and divorce, the State of Oregon shall provide and require parents to take mental health and communication classes, including:- Mindfulness, or similar secular or religious practices in accordance with a family's spiritual beliefs, provided that the practices have been scientifically documented to heal trauma the way mindfulness does. These practices include Christian centering prayer, yoga, hiking in nature, Buddhist meditation, and Native American religious ceremonies, including sacred dancing and sweat lodge ceremonies.
- Journaling, which can, over time, both heal trauma and document it. Journaling can be challenging for a traumatized person, but it both documents conflict and trauma and helps to heal trauma.
- If parents are still struggling with their communication and mental health, they can be required to go through a complete series of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) modules, including Distress Tolerance, Emotion Regulation, and Interpersonal Effectiveness.
2. After separation or if unmarried parents live separately, parents shall communicate by parenting app or email so that social workers, therapists, lawyers, and judges can examine the contents of these communications. The purpose is to document how parents treat each other and their children.
3. Child custody splits will not be 50/50 unless both parents agree. The parent who demonstrates healthier communication and relationship skills in their correspondence with their co-parent will be awarded more custodial time with the family’s children.
4. If parents are struggling to co-parent, a social worker will examine their communications for indications of their mental health and how they treat both each other and their children, and make recommendations to a judge. The more cooperative and mentally healthy parent may be given more time with their children. Child support will be adjusted and awarded accordingly.
5. If problems between parents arise, parents will be required to take more communication and mental health classes.
6. This proposal is not meant to be the end-all and be-all solution forever. The results of this proposal should be evaluated and, if necessary, rewritten every 5 years. This proposal is meant to be the beginning of a new way to handle child custody battles, focused on family mental health instead of courtroom battles between parents with or without lawyers. Court cases may still take place in abusive or contested situations.
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