Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Psalm 23: My One Sided Conversation With God

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want ..... although I am very much in want of healthcare right now, and I worry about being in want of housing soon because of my need for healthcare.

He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters....
Does that mean the Waterfront Park along the Willamette River where I see so many homeless people lying when the weather is halfway warm?

He restores my soul... I used to garden to heal my wounded spirit, but now I have a broken arm that needs surgery, and I can’t do much in the garden but pull weeds with my left hand.

He guides me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake..... I am trying to give my children the best life I can with one arm. I still listen to abuse survivors’ stories over the phone and in person. I haven’t numbed myself with drink or drugs, but my mind is too full of worries at night to sleep so I listen to a meditation tape to guide my thoughts to healing.

Even though I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I will fear no evil... I’ve been raped and abused and thrown out of Church for telling painful truths about child abuse, and now the longer I wait for charity surgery, the less likely I am to regain use of my broken right arm. I am scared and hurt. It seems as though most of my life I have been scared and hurt. How do I overcome fear? The fear of losing my home and my children, the fear of being permanently disabled.....

For you are with me; your rod and your staff comfort me.....I am feeling alone and scared, God, can you be with me and comfort me? Can you help me find grace and strength to go through what I am going through?

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies....I don’t think I have enemies. I just wish the nameless and faceless bureaucrats at the hospital could look at my application for financial assistance for surgery a little sooner.

You anoint my head with oil....That’s a little old fashioned these days, Lord, could you anoint my car with gasoline instead?

My cup overflows. Surely goodness and love ....from my children....and surgery on my right arm...... will follow me all the days of my life.

And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever ... as well as my own house here on earth...until I die...hopefully.

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