AnonymousParent/AnonymousChild

Many years ago, when I was married to my ex-husband, he told me about his friend who had a child who died young.

“He said you never get over it; just one day, he realized that his lost child wasn’t his first thought in the morning.”

I haven’t gotten there yet.  Each morning I wake up, my first thought is about the daughter I lost to that ex-husband through an ultra-high conflict divorce.”

Many will refer to this kind of loss as Parental Alienation.  I don’t like the term much because I am not comfortable with the man who coined it -- Richard Gardner.  He was not always as concerned about child sex abuse as he should have been, although he did do much to describe the situation and publicize it.

I prefer Family Systems therapy and its founder to Richard Gardner’s work.

Among other things, especially since I have encountered well-meaning, well-intentioned therapists who make things worse.  Because they are well-meaning, I am hesitant to criticize therapists.  I prefer to hold up what works instead, and that is family systems therapy.

I thought of calling this blog the Compassionate Co-parent to focus on solutions, but I also considered calling it the Anonymous Parent/Anonymous Child, because many parents in this situation don’t want to share their story.  They fear trouble in family court if they do, or they don’t want to harm their already severely damaged or non-existent relationship with their child, or they feel thrown away and disregarded by a system that takes accusations of abuse very seriously -- which they should -- but doesn’t take into account that false accusations of abuse occur much more often in high-conflict families than in other situations.  Of course, high-conflict families are also commonly associated with domestic violence, child sex abuse, and the psychological and physical abuse of children.  Determining which accusations are true and which are false can be challenging.  Even well-intentioned, conscientious therapists without training in working with high-conflict families can easily do the wrong thing with the best of intentions.

Finally, I am calling this particular blog Anonymous Parent/Anonymous Child because this is how I feel.  

Even now, I feel reluctant to share my story with most people because most people don’t go through the irrational degree of conflict with an ex-spouse that I have gone through. What has happened is so illogical, so different from the norm, that it is incomprehensible to people who have not experienced it. I was referred to a therapist who was baffled as to why my ex-husband would not inform me of therapy appointments that he was supposed to make for me to see my daughter. She was baffled as to why I could not talk to my daughter on the phone or make appointments with her myself, pick her up in a car, and bring her to therapy myself. All of this was outside of her experience.  Finally, I am calling this blog Anonymous Child because of what high-conflict divorce does to children. My daughter does not know who is telling the truth and who is lying to her. She has been led to believe that I have lied to her -- that I filed a lawsuit against her father and refuse to settle with him reasonably, although court documents and other legal documents will show that these ideas are untrue.  She came to these ideas while under her father’s almost exclusive care, with almost no contact with me. Even if I had had much contact with her at the time, therapists, lawyers, and judges would have told me not to talk about legal issues with her, even if she had the wrong idea. I tried to tell my daughter in non-specific ways that her ideas were not true, but at the time, I couldn't show her my ex-husband's lawsuit against me to demonstrate that her ideas were incorrect. However, the case is now closed and has been filed in court as a public record. Nevertheless, supporting legal documents, such as DHS reports, are not included in the court records.

Even so, I cannot name my ex-husband, my son, or my daughter. My children deserve to lead lives without the glow of publicity on them. I don’t wish harm on my ex-husband. He has turned his back on our son, but he might still help our daughter. If he is helping her, I don’t wish that help to end.  My daughter should have the right to resolve her relationships with her father, if that is possible, without the glare of publicity on them.

To keep them as anonymous as possible, I am using only part of my name. I have changed identifying details about my family.  I have changed the names of schools and churches, and the precise location and neighborhood where we lived.  I have changed the names of friends, therapists, attorneys, and judges.  I will change names to protect the innocent and the guilty.

In this blog, I will propose the necessary legal and therapeutic protocols to ensure children's safety, support their parents in developing parenting skills, and enhance everyone's understanding of the situation.  Bad things happen to children behind closed doors, and no one may ever know the exact truth.  One parent blames the other or maintains their innocence, and the therapists, doctors, lawyers, and social workers don’t know who is telling the truth.  However, there is a way to be more certain of the truth, but it requires more time, mandatory therapy for everyone involved, workshops, and readily available internet videos on relationship and coping skills.  Judges and lawyers need to take a back seat and put therapists in the front seat, but they must be therapists trained in family systems therapy and Court-Ordered Parenting Coordination.

Along with the story of what happened, I will tell you how to cope with difficult situations the best way possible.  When I made mistakes, I will honestly dissect them and tell you what I could have done better if I could do it over again.

I will also expose how the legal system and therapeutic protocols fail high-conflict families.

Lastly, this blog is a form of healing for me. What I have been going through- having false accusations of abuse that were found “unable to determine” by CPS, but most of all, losing most contact with my daughter- was so incredibly painful to me.

Retelling the story to a sympathetic audience is healing, even if that audience is just a blank page, such as mothers and fathers who have suffered the same plight.  But I know others have gone through what I have gone through, and I hope you all will read my story and find your own healing in knowing that a story like yours is being told.

The numbers:

Ultra-high conflict divorced families have not been studied adequately.  We exist in small enough numbers that legal and therapeutic protocols are slow to develop. Fifty to sixty percent of marriages end in divorce.  Of these cases, 75 percent are fairly amicable. Only five percent or so experience the extreme conflict my family went through.  The remaining twenty percent experience serious conflict, but the parents are not as dysfunctional and resistant to therapy as my ex-husband and his second wife.

A 1994 study executed by the Department of _______________, found that one in four girls is sexually abused and one in 6 or 7 boys is sexually abused during their lifetime.  Precisely what qualifies as a report of abuse, I am not sure.  This probably includes anything from groping on top of clothing to groping underneath clothes. The technical term is fondling, which is too gentle a term. Or the insertion of objects into body orifices. Please use your imagination.  I don’t want to make this blog too graphic. On the other hand, the former is very common, and the latter is less common, but each person’s experiences with sex abuse are subjective.  However, the unwanted insertion of objects into body orifices is much more traumatic.

Age and authority are important. Children who are close in age may engage in sex play, and although the activity is not recommended, it is psychologically much less damaging than when the person is much older. I know because I experienced various forms of child sex abuse. The most destructive abuse I experienced by far happened when I was a four-year-old girl. Two boys, aged 13 and 15, took me into a basement and held me while each tried to insert their male members into me.  It would have been worse if a trusted adult had done it to me.  I also suffered from much more low-key forms of abuse. Two times, neighborhood boys took me into a basement and asked me to pull my pants down. It wasn't good for me, but it did not result in the trauma of the former incident. Whatever adverse effects it had on me were much more muted, more like a small addition to the damage caused by the former incident. Once again, whatever damage resulted was minor in comparison.  I simply did not feel the same degree of trauma and confusion.  However, these incidents added in a small way to the damage to my psyche from child sex abuse.

What do we criminalize?  What do we consider unadvisable but not criminal?  How do we differentiate what is criminal from what is not criminal?  Can something be not criminal and not advisable at the same time, and if so, what do we do about it, if anything?