How to Journal to Document Abuse or Conflict

  I went through eight-plus years of intense co-parenting conflict with my ex-husband that lasted until both our children were over 18 and still resurfaced whenever there was a reason for us to communicate about our children.

        It was hell.

The most important piece of advice I can give any parent going through co-parenting hell is to try to make life as happy as possible for your children. Try not to burden them with your problems, but that is the advice everyone gives. It is true, but even better is to make sure you and your children have fun together, whether it is buying art supplies and a giant pad of paper and making pictures together, cooking a special meal together, walking in a park, or playing in a stream together.

But if you are going to go to court before a judge and assume that you will, if your relationship with your co-parent is filled with conflict…then you have to document your case.

Recording or videotaping conflict with your co-parent is helpful, but a therapist may advise that this is traumatic for your children.

The most important thing you can do is to obtain a court order for you and your co-parent to communicate by email or a parenting app. Keep your communications as brief as possible, but even more important is to be diplomatic.

                                                 BE DIPLOMATIC.

You also need to journal what happens in case you have not managed to record it on your cell phone or in emails or parenting apps.

Most people find writing challenging. I like to write, although journaling about conflict with my ex-husband brought up pain, so I experienced journaling as though I was having my teeth pulled. I did it anyway. Mostly, I just wrote down my memories in paragraphs that were roughly chronological. Sometimes other thoughts came up, so my documentation could be tedious for me to get through when I had to help my attorney prepare for a court case.

I won in court so thoroughly that the judge ordered my ex-husband to pay 90 percent of my attorney’s fees. My attorney told me that such wins are rare. I had worked as a volunteer with child sex abuse and domestic violence survivors who lost their children to the men who abused them, so I decided to write a workbook to help other survivors win child custody battles.

When I wrote the book, I thought of all the things I could have done, as well as what I did do that worked and helped me win. If you buy the book, How to Heal: A Workbook for Survivors by a Survivor Plus Tips For Documenting Abuse on Amazon.com, you get exercises that take you through the skills you need to document your child custody case as well as for documenting other forms of abuse.

When I was fighting my child custody battle, when I was not coping with my ex-husband or trying to earn a living by managing rentals, I was trying to give my children the best time I could.

I did not have time to think about what I learned in high school English classes or elsewhere, but when I wrote the book, I had the time. I am sharing the skills I did not think to use when I was going through child custody hell. You get the benefit of the time I have had to rethink what I did and how I could do it better.

Newspaper Style: Who, What, When, Where, and How (You can probably add “Why,” but keep that to yourself in court. The judge will want to decide “why.”)

Who: My ex-husband, myself, and my children

What: My ex-husband dropped our children off to me after his weekend visitation two hours late, but never called me to tell me that he was coming late.

When: Pick-up and drop-off at Starbucks on the second Sunday of November.

Where: Starbucks. I had to sit in Starbucks for two hours waiting for my children.

How: Not really applicable to this situation.

Why: My ex-husband insists we have to do pick-up and drop-off at Starbucks because he feels unsafe coming to my house. During our children's visit to Dad’s house last year, Stepmom tried to force my autistic son to look her in the eye and repeat her criticisms of me. She spent twenty minutes trying to get him to criticize me. Ever since then, he has felt very anxious around her. My therapist advised me to invite Dad to come into the house to discuss the situation. Dad refused to come in unless Stepmom was with him. He called Stepmom, and she came over to my house. I got scared and called the police. Now my ex-husband refuses to come to my house and insists we do all pickup and drop-off of our kids at Starbucks. He usually picks up our kids within half an hour, but he often makes me wait for the children at Starbucks for an hour or more.

Timeline:

7:55 AM-I arrived at Starbucks to pick up my children for Sunday morning church at 9:30 AM. I bought a cappuccino and a newspaper to keep myself busy during what I knew would be a long wait. The official pickup time in our court order is 8 AM.

8:00 AM-Dad and the kids do not come. I keep reading my newspaper.

8:30 AM-Dad and the kids still have not come. I keep reading my newspaper.

9:00 AM-Dad is still not here with the kids. I am too anxious to read anymore.

9:25 AM-Dad arrives with the kids, but they haven’t eaten breakfast yet. I have to cancel church because the children need food more than they need church. Then they have to do homework for school on Monday because they did not get any of their homework done at Dad’s.

Or…Just Write It Down as you think about what happened and organize it later.