Chapter 3: Terms You Need to Know

 This is from my book, How to Heal: A Workbook for Survivors by a Survivor Plus Tips for Documenting Abuse by V. Jones, available on https://www.amazon.ca/How-Heal-Workbook-Survivors-Documenting/dp/B0GMQBP8R8.

Please note that my ideas are based in part on the advice given to me by therapists as well as my own experiences. Some of the conventional wisdom about high-conflict child custody battles is not so much wrong as incomplete. Extreme conflict during divorce and child custody battles like I went through is uncommon, but it is more common when child sex abuse and domestic violence are involved. The current legal system is inadequate for this problem and often makes it worse. I disagree with both protective mothers and father's rights/parental alienation advocates. The focus of high-conflict divorce needs to be on mental health support for children and parents and examining which parent works harder on their mental health and supporting their children's mental health, not for two or three months or even years, but until all children are over 18 years of age. 

Why Do You Need to Learn These Terms?

• These terms are used throughout this book. Learning them will help you better understand the book.

• These terms are used by therapists, judges, lawyers, social workers, Child Protective Services, and school personnel, especially school counselors. You will seem more knowledgeable to these people if you understand and use these terms.

• The knowledge related to these terms is vital to understanding abuse, what abuse looks like, how abuse harms you and your children, and how to heal yourself and your children from that harm.

Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs)

These are childhood experiences that often cause long-term mental health problems. When children are exposed to multiple ACEs as they grow up, they may experience poor physical health, poor mental health, substance abuse, increased risk of being a victim of other abuses, and increased risk of criminal behavior. Initial studies of ACEs included physical and emotional abuse, physical and emotional neglect, sexual abuse, violence toward a child’s mother, exposure to substance abuse or mental illness in the home, incarcerated household members, and parental separation or divorce. Later, other childhood experiences were added to studies, including poverty, witnessing violence, living in an unsafe neighborhood, experiencing discrimination, and the loss of a parent.

Exercise 5—List Your Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs)

____________________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________________

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

PTSD develops when someone endures severe or multiple exposures to traumatic events. This overwhelms the various organs of the brain that cope with the trauma. Victims may become anxious, fearful, or nervous when exposed to milder, subsequent traumas that ordinarily don’t trigger trauma responses. Causes of PTSD include violence in warfare, but also severe and repeated sexual, physical, and emotional family violence, such as being repeatedly and frequently yelled at, criticized, or put down by another family member.

Exercise 6—List Your Symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

Research symptoms online if you need help to know what to write.

____________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________

Trauma Bonds are dysfunctional interpersonal attachments that occur when one is a victim of abuse, a prisoner of war, a hostage, or exploitation, such as prostitution. These situations may include acts of kindness and care, such as providing food, clothes, privileges, and treats. Because acts of kindness stimulate the brain’s production of the love hormone oxytocin,

talking about or remembering a person who has abused you or held you captive but also kept you alive during challenging situations sometimes evokes paradoxical feelings of love or attachment to that person.

Exercise 7—Do You Know Anyone Who Has a Trauma Bond With an Abusive Person?

___yes____no. Describe the situation.

____________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________