Chapter 4: How to Report Abuse and How to Cope With Reports of Abuse Made Against You

 This is from my book, How to Heal: A Workbook for Survivors by a Survivor Plus Tips for Documenting Abuse by V. Jones, available on https://www.amazon.ca/How-Heal-Workbook-Survivors-Documenting/dp/B0GMQBP8R8.

Please note that my ideas are based in part on the advice given to me by therapists as well as my own experiences. Some of the conventional wisdom about high-conflict child custody battles is not so much wrong as incomplete. Extreme conflict during divorce and child custody battles like I went through is uncommon, but it is more common when child sex abuse and domestic violence are involved. The current legal system is inadequate for this problem and often makes it worse. I disagree with both protective mothers and father's rights/parental alienation advocates. The focus of high-conflict divorce needs to be on mental health support for children and parents and examining which parent works harder on their mental health and supporting their children's mental health, not for two or three months or even years, but until all children are over 18 years of age.

What You Will Learn in this Chapter

• How to make a report of abuse that will be taken seriously by Child Protective Services (CPS), police, and the judicial

system.

• A report of abuse that does not provide CPS the ability to collect enough documentable evidence for police and judges

to take action is much less valuable than a report of abuse that does provide such evidence.

• Mandatory reporter laws are valuable tools to keep children safe. Still, if mandatory reporters report abuse too late for

CPS to record evidence of abuse, such as bruises or cuts, their reports may not yield any actions to prevent future

abuse.

• False reports of abuse are rare, but they are a perfect way to hurt someone. They are also a form of coercive control. If the controlling, abusive person in your life makes a false report of abuse against you, your best response is to cooperate with the police, therapists, and Child Protective Services.

This chapter is repetitive. Bear with me. The information in this chapter is so important that it bears repeating. Repetition will also help you remember what you need to know. When I wrote this section, I contacted a non-profit that specialized in child abuse assessment and response for advice on how to report abuse. They declined to help me, saying they didn’t want what they told me to be brought up in court because they routinely testified in court. Fortunately, I also attended a conference on domestic violence and child abuse during which some child abuse response professionals presented a workshop on issues related to assessing child

abuse. They said false accusations of abuse, while generally rare, are much more common when separating and divorced co-parents are going through intense conflict. At the same time, domestic violence and child physical and sexual abuse are also more common during high-conflict child custody battles. Moreover, the problem with sex abuse, in particular, is that it

occurs behind closed doors and sometimes may leave no detectable evidence. However, even though physical and sexual abuse are mostly illegal, unless multiple reports of abuse turn up

something new during repeat investigations, abuse assessment professionals may wonder what is going on with the person who is making the report. Moreover, the professionals at the conference I attended said that investigations of abuse can be traumatic for children. They preferred to assess children for abuse only once. So, if you report abuse, you must be very

careful, thoughtful, even strategic.

First, know that you are not alone. Many professionals are mandatory reporters of abuse—teachers, school counselors, school principals, therapists, social workers, doctors, nurses, childcare workers, medical examiners, and law enforcement professionals. These mandatory reporters are required by law to report any evidence of child abuse they encounter to CPS. My experience interacting with multiple mandatory reporters is that they all reported anything suggestive of abuse, but when CPS investigated, they often took no action because the reported abuses were not significant enough, or they did not have enough evidence to act. However, child abuse assessment professionals will not have the same reservations about mandatory reporters as they do about parents when they repeatedly report unverifiable accusations of abuse.

Second, do not, under any circumstances, tell your child what to say when they disclose abuse because child abuse assessment professionals are familiar with what children sound like when parents coach them to make false accusations of abuse. For example, I read a blog about a mother who was concerned that the father of their child had sexually abused the child.

Unfortunately, when her child left an abuse assessment, he called out to his mother, “I told them what you told me to say.”

This was one of two factors that caused the abuse assessment professionals not to believe the mother’s accusations of abuse against the boy’s father. However, if you don’t tell your children what to say, you can encourage them to talk to mandatory reporters. 

If you can afford therapy, take your child to a psychologist, psychiatrist, or a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW). If you can, hire one for yourself, too. These professionals will have more credibility when they report abuse to CPS than a parent does. However, be prepared that your child may not tell these professionals what you want them to say.

Third, if you are reporting abuse, know that government-run CPS is not your only option. CPS is severely underfunded. Caseworkers often have too many cases and insufficient resources to give each case the time it deserves. This problem is caused by politicians who don't allocate enough money to CPS to function properly, not by social workers who don’t care. I have known several social workers very well. They are intelligent people who could have chosen a profession that pays significantly more than social work. Instead, they went into social work because they cared about the well-being of children and families.

In some counties, while there are non-profits that work with abused children, there may also be a hospital that specializes in assessing child abuse. Put “child abuse assessment and response” and the county and state where you live into the search engine on your computer, but remember to clear your search history. If you don’t have a computer, try your local

library, ask a friend for help, or use a smartphone. Over the years, Google has changed the order in which it lists resources for assessing child abuse. Fortunately, you should still see the local county agency, the state agency, and local non-profits that assess child abuse. Hospitals that specialize in evaluating children for abuse also appear in the mix. Read each resource's website carefully. Fortunately, CPS, the hospital, and the non-profits all work together, so there is no issue with going to the hospital or a non-profit before CPS. Unfortunately, many counties lack child abuse assessment and response non-profits, but every county should have a CPS office.

Fourth, if you think your co-parent is sexually abusing your child but not leaving marks on them, remember that some cases involve ejaculation or the presence of skin or hair that has rubbed off from the abusive parent onto the child victim. Forensic exams can obtain DNA and other kinds of evidence in these cases. Call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800-656-HOPE to find the nearest location where you can receive a forensic exam. If no other resources are available, you can take your children to the emergency room at the closest hospital for examination. When I Googled reporting child abuse for Oregon, I found that I could call both 911 and a state number. However, I would make sure that my child and I are facing a genuine emergency or easily documented abuse before reporting to governmental authorities, because I learned from my own experiences that reporting something without really good evidence resulted in no action and a lecture from my attorney.

If you can afford to go to your family doctor or nurse practitioner, they will be a highly regarded witness. If none of these options work, you can photograph cuts, bruises, and broken bones, but act quickly. Cuts and bruises heal. Even some bone fractures can heal on their own, so evidence can disappear. While a healed bone fracture should still be visible in X-rays, photos will never be considered as valid in court as an eyewitness report by a doctor, a Registered Nurse (RN), CPS, or a child abuse response professional employed by a non-profit organization. However, you can ask a neighbor or friend to serve as a witness to support your photos.

What You Need to Know to Report Abuse, Domestic Violence, and Rape More Effectively

• Timing—precisely when you report abuse—is very important. If you or your child has been physically or sexually assaulted and has bruises, cuts, or other wounds of trauma, don’t wait for those wounds to heal. Research the nearest facilities able to perform forensic exams, but a forensic exam is best performed within three days after a sexual assault for DNA evidence to be detected. Under certain circumstances, it can be detected after three days, but don’t wait to find out. However, you must be very certain that such abuse has occurred when you take your child for a forensic exam, or you may find that you have provided the abuser with evidence that contradicts your accusations. Moreover, forensic exams may traumatize your child. You don’t want to subject them to such an exam more than once.

• If your child has been physically or sexually abused, request that child abuse professionals see your child in person. Sometimes, CPS social workers and police dispatched to investigate child abuse cases make the mistake of speaking only to parents and not meeting privately with the child who is being abused. Both social workers and the police did this in the notorious case of Gabriel Fernandez in Palmdale, California. Gabriel’s mother and her boyfriend tortured and beat him to death over eight months in 2012 and 2013. Once, when the police performed a well-child check, Gabriel’s mother and her boyfriend told them that he had moved to Texas even though he was handcuffed, gagged, and locked in a cupboard in their home. So, very firmly request that social workers and police speak to the child in private without adults present.

• To document physical abuse, request that social workers and other professionals fill out a full body map or chart each time they examine your child. Both social workers and the police failed to fill out these forms in the case of Gabriel Fernandez. Please be mindful that filling out these forms requires the victim to undress and may traumatize them.

• Avoid hearsay evidence. If there is an accusation of physical or sexual assault, but no direct evidence, such as bruises, open cuts in the skin, or broken bones, the accusation will be taken much less seriously than if there is direct evidence. The same is also true of coercive control. In the case of the latter, evidence of abusive behavior can be seen in exchanges of text messages, emails, and written and recorded voice communications. In high-conflict relationships, such as in high-conflict child-custody battles between parents, it is wise to obtain court orders requiring communications between disputing parties to be conducted by email or text message, to provide evidence.

• If you do not have clear evidence of abuse or other wrongdoing, seek input from other people about their perceptions. When you are traumatized and anxious, you are expecting more trauma, which often happens, but doesn’t always happen. However, be cautious about whom you talk to, lest the accused sue you for defamation. The best sources of advice are

therapists and social workers because they have extensive training and education in recognizing dysfunction and in promoting health and functionality. Most are also legally required to keep your concerns confidential. Some, such as your therapist, can help you sort out your actual experiences from your fears about what might happen. However, don’t tell

therapists or social workers what you want them to say or do. Just ask for their advice on what you should do.

Exercise 8—Is Your Child a Victim of a Sexual or Physical Assault?

• Does your child have a broken bone, a big gash, a huge bruise, or multiple bruises?____Yes_____No. If you answer“yes,” seek medical attention immediately. If you answer “no,” your evidence may be disregarded as hearsay evidence.

• After a sexual assault, is your child experiencing an unusual genital discharge or pain?____Yes____No. If your answer is “Yes,” you may have valuable evidence, but your child needs to be examined by a hospital or other facility that can assess

for sexual assault as soon as possible, as in NOW.

• Is your child stating they were abused, mistreated, or beaten without you even asking them about what happened to them? ____Yes____No. If your answer is “Yes,” you may have a good case, but you will be stronger if you seek help from a third-party professional, such as a teacher, physician, nurse, or therapist, before reporting abuse. However, remember that

timing is essential, and if an accusation lacks hard evidence, it may be problematic.

Exercise 9—What to Do When You Are the Victim of Domestic Violence or Sexual Assault

State laws vary in the consequences for committing domestic violence in front of a child. Witnessing domestic violence is very traumatic for children. Try to find a way to report domestic violence without traumatizing your child.

• Do you have documentable evidence of that domestic violence or sexual assault, such as photos of bruises, abrasions, or broken bones taken at home? Yes____No____

• Do you have documentable evidence of that domestic violence or sexual assault, such as photos of bruises, abrasions, or broken bones taken in the ER or a healthcare practitioner’s office? ____ Yes____No____

• Has anyone that you know of other than your children witnessed the violence perpetrated against you?____Yes____No

• Has a friend or family member witnessed the perpetrator shouting at you or criticizing you for a protracted period of time?____Yes____No

• If your child has witnessed the abuse, but you have no other evidence, please understand that some judges will not allow children to testify in court due to concerns about traumatizing them. Fortunately, you can take your children to speak to a therapist or domestic violence advocate. Have you done this? ____Yes____No

• Have you encouraged your child to speak to a teacher or a school counselor?____Yes ____No. Remember, once again, that school staff will probably not be able to testify for you in court, but many are mandatory reporters of abuse. The laws regarding teachers reporting domestic violence witnessed by a student vary from state to state, but it is generally regarded

as a reportable childhood trauma. Also, please remember that you must not tell your child what to say; instead, listen to them talk about what is distressing them. However, children often experience multiple stressors, including things you may be saying or doing, so you must be extremely careful in what you say and do. School personnel and other professionals may not hear from your children what you want them to hear.

What professionals have you sought help from?

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Repeat this exercise as many times as needed.

After you have worked very hard to find a third-party professional to help you document abuse against you or your children, you may consult family members or friends for help as long as they are cautious about who they talk to and what they say.

Exercise 10—List Trustworthy Family Members or Friends to Whom You Can Confide:

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What to Do if You are Accused of Child Abuse or Other Wrongdoing

• Remain calm and use diplomatic language when interacting with the police, hospital, and child abuse assessment professionals.

• Cooperate completely and graciously with these professionals, even if they are dispatched to your home to do a well-child check at 2 AM. They will understand if you are nervous and express anxiety, but if you are rude or angry, you are providing them evidence that you may be an abusive parent.

• During a well-child check, social workers may conduct a thorough inspection of your home. Keep your home, bathroom, kitchen, refrigerator, counters, stove, and cupboards relatively clean and stocked with healthy food, such as fresh fruits and vegetables, whole-grain bread, and nut butters like peanut butter.

• Ensure your children have their own space and possessions and are free to have their own interests. In the Hart family case in Oregon, two mothers were reported to Child Protective Services several times over several years for physically abusing their six adopted children. One of the mothers homeschooled the children and posted engaging family photos and

videos to Facebook and YouTube, but she killed herself, her partner, and their children by driving off a cliff on the California coast. After their murder/suicide, investigators examined the family's house but found no evidence that children lived there. Aside from the master bedroom where the mothers slept, there was one twin bed, two foam love seats, and a mat for the six children to sleep on. The Hart family home also contained no posters, keepsakes, or other apparent personal possessions belonging to any of the children.

• If anyone in your family is going through traumatic experiences, everyone in your family may need therapy. Moreover, parents who abuse children or isolate them from other family members usually resist therapy. Judges know this.

Exercise 11—Find Professional Helpers

Look on the internet for therapists to work with, or go to your local domestic violence agency and ask for help with resources. They do help men who are victims of abuse. List these resources:

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